Learning to be loved

I am a selfish person. I realize this fact on a daily basis. Today, it dawned on me when I all of a sudden became irrationally mad at a friend. She didn't do anything wrong, I know she loves me with all of her heart. She would do anything for me. Sometimes, in my prideful, selfish way, this is not good enough. I need more, I want to be loved in a certain way. I know the ways in which I receive and give love best. I know, in my rational thinking, the way my family and friends give and receive love, so why do I seem to constantly struggle with feeling like I'm not loved enough?
In a world where every one is desperately seeking love, I need to be thankful for what I have because it overflows in every deep crevice of my being. I pray for understanding, gentleness and docility towards all the people in my life every day. I want to understand without hesitating how each person I know loves me. I want to understand how I can best love them back.
I believe that this insecurity of mine is coming to rear it's ugly head because Jesus is allowing me to see deeper into my wounded heart. Now that I am back in a place where I feel comfortable He is asking me to go deeper in prayer with him. This call to a deeper prayer life is also a call to trust him, despite the hurt and pain of revealed wounds I didn't know I had.
Writing this all out has helped ease that unnecessary sensitivity. I'm offering up prayers for my friend tonight, for her heart and for all the love she has to give.

"Love demands expression. It will not stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid." -Winterson

Men of Honor

This is a double standard:
http://insidecatholic.com/Joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=7551&Itemid=48
I want to marry a man, love him and cherish him. I want to marry my best friend, someone I respect and honor. He will be my hero. He will not be "one of the children" or a "dumb buffoon" that my children and I will mock. He will provide and care for our family and I will give him the dignity he deserves. These expectations and desires of mine should not come as a surprise to anyone, nor should they be made fun of or laughed at. But, alas, there is a chance I will be scoffed at. It is demanded that the dignity of women be upheld and revered within society. Why shouldn't it be the same for men?

Goals

It is almost the end of January. 4 weeks into the new year. I have never been one to set or follow through on any new year resolutions, but this year is different. I have things I want to accomplish, I want to follow through and achieve something.
I am going to run a half marathon. So far, the training is going slowly, and there are days when all I want to do is throw in the towel. I think I'm crazy most days-who in their right mind agrees to run 13.1 miles? Me, apparently. I'll keep updating on how this is going. I just bought new running shoes and I got all excited again. Hopefully that excitement will stay with me once I hop back on the treadmill tomorrow :)
I am praying a 54 day rosary novena and put myself on a dating fast for the entirety of it. My heart has been in 5 different directions lately and I want to re-center myself on the most important relationship I can have: me and the Lord. I'm on a dating fast because I'm praying for my future spouse and I don't want to be distracted by all the men, dreams or wild imaginations that come into my life and make me want to settle for mediocrity. I was made for greatness, even in my relationships. Sweet heart of Mary, pray for me!
Lastly, and possibly the most important goal I want to achieve: gain my self confidence back. I want to believe that I am worthy and good. I used to believe in myself and love all of my traits, talents and strengths. Now, I become flustered because I don't like sushi and my friends do, or I happen to like a different football team...ridiculous and crazy thoughts run through my head daily, and I never used to be so insecure. A lot of who I am got covered up and hazy these past few months. I am determined to not only prove to my coworkers, family and friends that who I am is lovable and wonderful, but I need to prove it to myself.

So here I go, stepping out in the direction of confidence, prayer and 13.1 miles...ready, set...GO!

Soy-My New Best Friend

I am by nature a picky eater. I know what I like and I'm not the first one to suggest trying something new. I have been like this my entire life. Now, because of doctor's orders, I am to eat a strict, Lactose free diet. This is supposed to help me feel better, but all I can think about is how I'm not ever going to be able to eat ice cream again. Ok, yes, maybe that's a little dramatic, but when I came home last night, all I wanted was a big glass of milk-and I couldn't! So what's a picky girl like me to do? My wonderful mother brought home some lactose free milk. I tried it, and promptly told her I wouldn't be drinking any more of it. It tasted funny and I can't handle "tasting funny." So, good thing there was still one more option to try: Soy milk. Many of my friends drink it and told me I would like it. I was still hesitant, but this morning I bought 2 little bottles of chocolate and vanilla soy milk. To much of my surprise, I do actually like the soy milk! YAY! I think I have found a solution to my picky-problem and will be venturing further into the goodness of soy milk products. Now all that I need to do: find out if ice cream comes made with soy......

Appreciation

I have a new appreciation for stay at home mothers. They are my heroes. I am not a stay at home mom, and I don't have children but the last week and a half have opened my eyes to what my future might have in store down the road. I am living at home this month trying to fundraise a little bit more of my monthly income before heading back to campus. This is a hard enough job in itself, really because I'm a chicken and it's the hardest thing for me to do! On top of that though, now that I am home my mom is loving the fact that she has more hands to help her around the house. Now don't get me wrong, I love helping her and I want to pull my weight, but man am I exhausted at the end of the day! The work never ends! There are always loads of laundry to be washed, animals to be fed, carpet to be vacuumed and dishes to be put away. It is inspiring to me that many women wake up to these tasks every day AND take care of their babies. I am inspired because there are some days that all I have wanted to do is complain and believe me, I have. I whine about the mess I just cleaned up and how laundry seems to grow by the minute. Only today have I stopped to think, maybe I'm being prepped for the future. Maybe this is a chance to get a glimpse into the beauty of being a stay at home mother.....

It isn't a glamorous job! No one even knows what gets done! But these are the tasks that must be done every day to keep a house in order and a family clean. These small, simple, tedious tasks are expressions of love.

I'm wondering now if I could be ready to accept this day to day work as my job right now. With all the complaining I've done, I'm thinking I still have a ways to go! I want to gracefully accept all this work and do it out of love for my own family. It's funny thinking about the ways the Lord chooses to bless me with preparation!
So today I'm saying a prayer for all the mothers and wives who do this every day. God bless them for their "yes" to their vocations, and their willingness to serve in all the small and unnoticed ways they do.

A Moment of Clarity

Last night I had one of those "God-moments" that shake you to the core of your soul. It was beautiful.
I knew I had needed to go to Confession. Like everyone in history since The Fall, I dread going to confession. Like Adam and Eve, I'd rather hide myself than show my ashamed face to God. After sitting in Adoration for a good half hour torturing myself about the need to go, a horrible, ugly past memory popped into my head. Without sharing too many personal details, I was disgusted with myself. The thought of all the times I had gone to mass and still received the Body and Blood of Christ with this ugliness laying on my shoulders was nearly enough to make me run to the back of the church to the confessional. I rapidly confessed my sins, wanting so much to get this darkness in my heart out into the light. The priest, acting in persona Christi, gently reminded me to continue to pray to the Holy Spirit for an attentiveness to keeping God present in my life. He told me the Lord wants to love me and I need to let him.
Back in the church, I knelt down to say my penance. All of a sudden, I was weeping. Tears streamed down my face as the glory of God's love and mercy was revealed to me in that moment. For an instance I clearly understood what it meant to be loved by God, and what it means to be called his child. In that moment nothing else mattered; it was just me and God-loving each other.
This powerful moment was only minutes long, but the peace and calm that washed over me afterwards has stayed with me even to this morning. The Lord knew I needed to experience him in a real way. When I deny myself of his grace, he always pours it down on me in abundance anyway.

"By your mercy we come to your table, by your grace you are making us faithful."

You're my Beloved

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and reservedly to me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me alone, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look at the things you think you want; you just keep looking off and away up to me,
or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready ( I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you both are satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with me.
And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied."
~St. Anthony of Padua